massages.

massages.  they are so great.  im really kind of/completely obsessed with them.  that was probably my favorite part of my honeymoon - the spa at primland - yessss.  i love them.  i make jonathan rub my feet or back a few times a week - i wish i was exaggerating.  but i love them.


however.  i don't love the sometimes awkwardness that can come with them.  what i prefer is for the therapist to just be quiet.  dont talk to me.  let me listen to the water run down the stones.  or the fun indian music that is played.  dont ask me how often i work out or what my job is or how my bunny is.  no.


so ive had a few stories in my day.  for one i went with gloria to get a massage the other day.  i had a friendly, large, african american female as my masseuse.  she was very sweet.  she was super at massaging.  but then.  out of nowhere.  i hear homegirl shout.  i mean shout.  i mean me become tense and lift my head out of the face rest.  what does she shout?  


"oooooooooh cramp.  ooooh honey i got a cramp.  cramp in my leg.  whewwwww cramp in my leg.  gotta rub it out.  cramp in my leg."


that is not soothing.  that was awkward.  i tried to pretend i was asleep.


then.  for the awkward of all awkwards.  my massage on my honeymoon.  like i said it was my favorite part of the honeymoon.  but there was some pre-time that was awkward.  i like to know exactly what is expected of me.  i dont like to guess what i am supposed to do - especially in social situations.


so.  i check in.  easy enough.  they give me weird sandals and a robe.  sweet.  then i fill out my paperwork - self explanatory.  then sweet girl comes to get me and bring me back to my locker for prep.  we walk into the locker room and she shows me around.  very pretty.  soothing.   thennn she says something.  and i miss it.  but what i think she says is something like this.


"and here is your locker, number 62, and you can jut put your clothes into your locker, and put on your robe, and there are some panties in there."


hmm.. okay.  panties?  why?  i have my own panties.  and they are called underwear.  i dont wear other peoples panties.  hmm maybe thats not what she said.


so she leaves.  i open my locker.  and what do i find.  some black mesh piece.  not sure.  is this the "panties?"  or did i competely hear her wrong.  oh great.  am i required to wear those?  okay maybe i should just try them.


i pull out the "panties" and they just dont look like panties.  if they are, they are one size fits all.  with bikini straps.  they are kind of like those bags you recycle from the grocery store if you are organic.  


so there i stand in the locker room.  by myself.  unsure what to do.  okay im sure she DID say panties ill just put them on.  WAIT.  what if she DIDNT and i walk in in a bag meant for my clothes.  little masseuse is going to think i am some freak.  put them on take them off put them on take them off.  i just can't risk that this girl is going to think i am using their bags as my underwear.


so i leave my normal underwear on, throw on my robe, and leave.


the end.  awkward.  i feel good about my decision.  i love massages.  i don't love the awkwardness that can come with them though.  so masseuses - be quiet, speak CLEARLY during prep time, and eat bananas to prevent leg cramping during my session.